Monday, 15 August 2016

To my children

This is probably not an easy letter to write but it's one that has been waiting to be written for a while now and I hope it helps you to understand just where my head is and how I am feeling.
As a Mum I don't think I can be prouder of my children and all you have achieved or love you any more than I do. You are my everything and have been my reason to keep going for so long now. Without you all I simply would not be alive now.
However I've noticed lately that there has been a change in how I feel about staying alive to save you the pain and heart ache of losing me. A couple of times recently you have all commented about how my mental health affects you. Laura, you invited me on holiday to meet Anthony's family earlier this year and then cancelled those plans as you were not sure how his family would cope if I was not well. Megan, you said that you would not be able to follow your dreams and career opportunities as you were obliged to be around for me as I don't cope very well when you leave and that you would have to stay in Nottingham even though you don't want to and Adam, you have been distant and I hardly hear from you. You said you can't cope when I'm not well.
So my poor mental health is having an impact on your aspirations, relationships and how you live your lives. I am simply not the Mum that you really want to have around and I let you down. I hate it that you all worry about me and that you feel that you should miss opportunities so you can be there for me. It makes me feel that I let you down.
My life hurts and I just feel empty and numb. Giving in has never been the answer while I had all of you to think about but you have your own lives now and really don't need me. I can't think of one good thing (apart from Christmas and Birthday presents) that I bring to your lives. I cause you pain and heartache.
The thought of being still with no racing thoughts, self hatred and overwhelming feelings of helplessness just seems to be the right answer. I am not abandoning you but I'm giving you the chance to live your lives without a Mum who holds you back and hurts you. I want to be free of my pain and be at peace. It is the best thing for me and you all of you.
You know that I love you and have sacrificed so much so that you have the best start in life that you can, well now is your time to keep going and to be happy and successful. I am no longer a good part of your lives