Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Feeling poorly

Same old crap again, my abscess on my stomach is sore and infected and I feel poorly :-(
I saw my GP today who took a swab and told me to start taking antibiotics if I feel any worse.
She still hasn't had a notification from my new psychiatrist about my new medication and all the tests that she wants to be done. I saw her 2 weeks ago and I know it has been Christmas but it still doesn't seem good enough
I wanted to start my new meds while I was on holiday from work in case they have side affects that aren't nice. I know they can make you feel sick and give you a head ache. Maybe I need to ring tomorrow?
The crisis team have been quite helpful over the last few nights but it seems to be the same old thing over and over and I'm sure they must get fed up of me. I'm not going to stop ringing though as I want to get the referral for the in-patient trauma therapy done and if I go quiet it will not happen.

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Christmas is over

I'm glad that Christmas is over for another year - there needs to be some changes next year.
It was lovely to have everyone at my house and I was truly spoilt by good friends and family. Dinner time was fraught and it is so hard to feed more than 6 people. The roast potatoes and parsnips were soggy and just wouldn't crisp - I dont know what my son did to them!
Dinner was cold even after putting the plates in the oven and I think the dogs ate more than anyone else. So next year we will go out for Christmas dinner. I will start looking for somewhere to go.
My nieces were really good and my girls played games with them and made them up with nail varnish and make up.
My brother and the girls wanted to stay but his girlfriend wanted to go home and hardly smiled or spoke to anyone all day. So they left quite early which was a shame.
Then everyone wanted to watch Coronation St and Downtown Abbey but I don't watch either of them so I read a book and played Frustration with my son and daughter.
Then after going to bed quite happy and settled I had an horrendous night. I ended up in a heap on the bathroom floor and just cried and cried. It just shows that there is nothing I can really do to change my nightmares.
Today everyone has gone and I'm on my own till my girls come back from sales shopping. Think I need to try to catch up on sleep

Thursday, 24 December 2015

Happy Christmas

Just having a quiet five minutes before everyone comes over for Christmas. Have wrapped all the presents, sorted stockings for tonight, bought all the food and drink and remembered to take the turkey out of the freezer in time.
Am watching Ed Sheeran on the tele and the dogs are asleep so I think it is the calm before the storm!
Christmas is a special time for family and I know I am so lucky to have three wonderful children that still want to come home for Christmas. I'm going to cherish the next few days and try to relax and enjoy the holiday.
Night times are still bad and I'm tired but am putting that smile on my face and keeping going

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Hand massage

I accidentally found a new way to ground myself. My daughter bought me some hand cream months ago and I hadn't even opened it. A few days ago I used it and just loved the smell and the texture and I put it in my night time basket that I keep in the bathroom to ground myself.
That night I was upset and sat on the floor in the bathroom. I opened the hand cream and massaged it into my hands. I gently massaged each finger and slowly my breathing calmed down and I was able to ground myself.
I don't think it will help every night but it is something else I can try.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Ouch!

Double ouch today!!!
Ouch no 1 - I disassociated yesterday and stabbed myself in the stomach. I couldn't face going to A&E so I went to my local GP surgery. A GP stitched me up without giving me any anesthetic and it bloody hurt. I lay there on the bed feeling that I deserved the pain as I had hurt myself. I had 15 stitches and afterwards I just felt so low. I tried to ring the crisis team as I just felt so agitated and unsettled but noone would answer. I rang the DPM at the hospital and luckily someone I know really well answered the phone. She calmed me down and sorted out a prescription of lorazepam to calm me down. She then got my CPN to ring me this morning to check up on me. I wish the crisis team would be as good as that but they are a waste of time.
Ouch no 2 - I went to see an old friend that I hadn't seen for a long time. She blocked me out of her life due to our girls falling out, even though we had been really close and had helped each other through some tough times.She acted like nothing had happened between us and chatted just like old times but I found that I was on edge and guarded. I couldn't be my normal self and was careful what I said and did. When I left I wished her a happy Christmas and she said that she would like to see me before Christmas. I'm just not sure -  I felt quite emotional after seeing her and am not sure re-kindling that relationship is a positive move. There is a lot of history there and I want to move on and not back.
I'm seeing my new psych next week which is scary.................

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Christmas Tree trigger

Today I put up my Christmas tree and as usual it has been very triggering. I always say that next year I'm buying a new tree with new ornaments and not going through the emotions connected with old traditions.
However when it came to it I just couldn't do it. My children still like to see their Christmas tree with decorations we have collected over the years.
There are my babies first baubles which were so special when we bought them. I noticed that Adams has lost an eye and Laura's is looking worse for wear. Then there's the home made decorations that they made at nursery and school. I remember them proudly giving them to me, how can I not put them on the tree? We have collected tree decorations from all over the world. Some from America, Saudi Arabia, Thailand, Prague, Cyprus etc all of which bring back memories of our time together as a family when the children were growing up. There are baubles from the millennium, the year before our family fell apart and I look at all these and think 'how can it have gone so wrong?' Lots of cherished memories tarnished by the actions of one person.
Then we have the decorations from after 'the event' they just don't seem right to be together, almost like it should be a new beginning. My children love looking at the tree and talking about their special decoration.
So tonight it's gone 2am and I can't sleep. I'm agitated and unsettled. I feel overwhelmed by all the emotions today has brought. Lots of sadness but also the anticipation of another Christmas and time to be together.
By doing what Bruce did he rubbished all my treasured memories. What I thought was special suddenly seems tainted and insignificant. Maybe next year I must get a new tree!

Sunday, 29 November 2015

My children

My daughter hurt herself badly and ended up in hospital today. I rushed over to be with her and make sure she was ok. I held her hand and reassured her when she was examined etc. it made me think that I'm so lucky to have children that love and trust me and even when they have left home they still want me to be there for them.
However it also made me realise that when I had my children all those years ago, I didn't plan on bringing them up by myself. I planned on sharing the good and bad times and us all being there for each other. I remember my daughter falling and her Dad carrying her on his shoulders to make sure she was ok. A true family stays together and cares for each other. It's hard work doing it all on my own.
I didn't plan on being the only person buying and planning their Christmas presents, listening to all their worries and giving advice, sorting their problems out if I can or working alongside them to try and sort things if I don't have the answer. I would definitely give them my last rolo but would their Dad? I don't think so and that is sad. I never stopped him from having contact and tried my hardest not to rubbish him but he just didn't love them enough.
I just hope that by having me my children are ok. I love them with all my heart and am so proud of them. They are my world but I make sure they have their own lives and dreams to follow. I will always be here to catch them x

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Bad night

It's 3.30am and I'm struggling. Woke up in a mess and am now trying to calm down safely without hurting myself.
Had a crap, stressful day and I'm so tired. Am busy decorating my bedroom and it is hard having a mess everywhere but I know it will be worth it in the end. Then BT and Virgin messed me around over my phone and TV package and I've got to install a whole new system tomorrow. Will probably be offline for a year lol!!
Work is stressful and too busy and I'm getting a cold. My nose is like a tap. I have a hospital appointment tomorrow to try to sort out my latest abscess. Not sure if I fancy another operation but if that is what it needs to start healing then so be it. I just wonder if the doc will be judgmental over my self harm as I can't deal with that at the moment. I know how stupid I am and don't need reminding.
My MHT have gone quiet over any in-patient therapy and I'm beginning to think it won''t happen. I've heard it all before and nothing happened. Just wonder how long I have to keep struggling for and if I will ever get to see my new psychaitrist

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Feeling overwhelmed

Had a really busy week at work and looking back I probably tried to pack in too much. I am beyond tired and my head is in a really strange place.
Busy days should mean better nights but it just doesn't work that way for me. Wet beds every night this week has taken it's toll and I've got to the point where I have had enough. I haven't even bothered to ring the crisis team at all this week as there is nothing they can do to change anything.
I was hoping for funding to go forward for me to have some assessments for in-patient therapy but it seems I have to see my new psychiatrist first and she has no appointments. Why even talk about support if it is probably not going to happen for months - how am I supposed to just keep going? If my symptoms are severe enough to need in-patient care what am I supposed to do till then?
Suicidal thoughts go through my head and I am drawn to anything that will go round my neck and I plan how to hang myself in my head. I have had to banish my vacuum cleaner, iron and hair straighteners to the shed so I don't wrap the cords round my neck.
I'm getting through the night by self harming and my wrists are a mess. It's like I just don't care which is not true as I do and I don't want to hurt my family and friends.
I'm just too tired

Saturday, 14 November 2015

Zopiclone

I took a zopiclone before I went to bed last night and fell asleep very quickly. However I woke up just after 4am in a mess. My bed was wet and I was shaking. Usually I get up and go to have a shower but last night I just couldn't ground myself. I couldn't move and the nightmare continued to rage in my head. It was like I couldn't wake up.
So I'm in a dilemma tonight - do I take another one or not? I did eventually get sorted and back to sleep where I managed to sleep until 10am. However despite the sleep I have felt foggy all day, almost like I have been out for a night on the tiles. There was so much I wanted to do today but I've struggled to do anything. I'm beginning to wonder if taking the tablet is worth it. I'm not sure if it has a cumulative affect and if I will feel worse tomorrow.
It is just not clear on the literature that came with the medication. I know people that have taken zopiclone for years and I really don't know how they do it. I think I'm just not prepared to feel crap the next day and to struggle with my nightmare - I guess it is just not worth it for a few hours more sleep.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Day off work

It was my birthday yesterday and I couldn't book the day off work as I had something in my diary that I couldn't miss so I thought I would have a day off today instead.
I had a lovely day yesterday and was spoilt by friends and family. I went out for a lovely meal with my son and daughter to a new restaurant.
However as usual the night was really hard and I spent a long time curled up on the bathroom floor. I'm fed up of changing my bloody bed and washing sheets and quilt covers. I'm fed up of feeling dirty so deep inside that I can't scrub it clean.
This morning I hoped I could have a lie in and had arranged to visit a good friend but the builders up the road started banging really early and suddenly I was agitated and unsettled.
I took my dogs for a walk to try to calm down and refocus but just had a horrible feeling that there was someone behind me, even though I knew there wasn't.
So in the middle of the day I ended up curled up crying on the bathroom floor and had to take a lorazepam to try to calm down.
So my day off just ended up being one of those days where I bounce from hyper vigilance to agitation and struggle to stay safe.
Think work might be the best distraction after all.

Saturday, 7 November 2015

True


How I got through today

Woke up this morning and felt really agitated and unsettled. Just had a horrible ache in the pit of my stomach and my head was everywhere. I knew today was going to be a long day and I was going to struggle to stay safe.
I don't do distraction very well. I knew I could ring the crisis team but what was the point. They would tell me to go for a walk, have a bath, bake a cake etc. and today didn't feel like a day I could do any of those things.
Sometimes I just need time to stay still and hold me and I don't need to fight against it.
I decided to just have a lazy day and to go with how I was feeling and if I needed to cry or rant and rave then so be it.
I stayed in bed longer than normal and listened to my playlist on my IPad. It was good to relax and not have to think about rushing about anywhere.
When I did get up I just ate what I fancied and ended up eating junk most of the day but it didn't really matter. I curled up on the settee and watched a film this afternoon - don't even remember what it was but it kept me going all afternoon.
I cleared my daughter's bedroom this evening as I'm going to decorate it over the next few weeks.
So giving in when I felt like doing nothing didnt hurt and I managed to get through the day and be kinder to myself. Maybe I should do that more often.
Back to bed now and hope it is not a bad night.

Friday, 6 November 2015

In-Patient therapy

Yesterday my MHT had a meeting with my trauma therapist and GP - they decided that a referral to an in-patient unit that specialises in trauma would be a way forward.
I knew about the meeting and the prospect of this referral but when it was actually a reality then it is pretty scary. I work full time and am pretty independent and the thought of in-patient care scares me a bit.
I decided to look further at the place that has been mentioned - The Retreat at York and read through parts of the website. It seems that the therapy on offer is a kind of therapeutic community only for women. The length of stay typically is 8 months and there is a strict structure to the week. You are not allowed to drive at all when you are part of the program and you have to stay there and be locked in at 9.30pm every night.
Part of me knows that I need help and the therapy on offer here sounds completely relevant to my needs and would really challenge my disassociation, self harm and eating disorders. However, I'm not sure it would meet my need around my nightmares and I wonder how I would cope at night. There is a zero tolerance policy on self harm etc. and most of mine happens when I disassociate in the middle of the night. How would they keep me safe?
I guess I won't know unless I ask, keep an open mind and engage.
The next step is for my trauma therapist and CPN to meet with me to discuss what I could get out of this referral and how committed I am to it and then they still have to apply to the CCG for funding.
Nothing will happen probably until next year, so I have some time to get used to the idea.
I had some upsetting news yesterday in that my psychiatrist left today. Although our last meeting was not good, he has been my psychiatrist for years and he understood me well. He never labeled me and always stayed out of the chaos my life brings. He also understood my reluctance to use medication long term and had the same views. Apparently I have a new female psychiatrist who has a background of psychotherapy. I don't have an appointment to see her yet.
At least something is being done to offer further support and I haven't just been written off.    

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

No sleep again

It's 2am and I'm struggling. Just wish I could sleep. Really want to curl up and die, I can't do this anymore. I'm agitated and unsettled and struggling to stay safe. There is mischief in my head, pills to take, cuts to make etc etc
At times like this life is hard and worthless

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Feeling overwhelmed

I don't think I have ever felt so tired as I do right now. Bad night after bad night is having a massive impact on me and I'm shattered.
Usually after a nightmare I manage to get a few hours more sleep but recently I'm waking up very upset and agitated and am not able to calm back down to get more sleep. I can't take a lorazepam as I have been going to work and I need to drive. My head hurts and my eyes feel so heavy but I'm trying to stay awake until my normal bed time.
My MHT have a meeting with my therapist and GP on Thursday and I'm apprehensive about the decisions they are going to make without me. They are going to decide whether to apply for funding for an in-patient trauma unit which will mean me going away from home for 3 months or more. I know that I need help and I've struggled recently but I do manage to go to work and I enjoy my job. I feel like I will be letting everyone down. However if it means that nights are better and I manage my mental health better then it has got to be worth it.
Today I went to a conference about Early Years Education. The presenter was trying to talk about how important it is not only to teach academic skills but also emotional skills to young children. He spent about half an hour talking about poor mental health and the impact it has on your life. He touched on self harm and described how he couldn't imagine how someone's emotional pain can be so great that they physically hurt themselves - well I can! I found it really hard to listen to.
He said that -
Mental Wellbeing is-
More than the absence of mental illness/disorder. It represents the positive side of mental health and can be achieved by people with a diagnosis of mental disorder
Inextricably linked with individuals physical wellbeing
Inextricably linked as both cause and effect with social wellbeing
Mental wellbeing includes the capacity to
Realise our abilities, live a life with purpose and meaning and make a positive contribution to our communities
Form positive relationships with others and feel connected and supported
Experience peace of mind, contentment, happiness and joy
Cope with lifes ups and downs and be confident and resilient
Take responsibility for oneself and for others as appropriate

I guess he just hit a raw note and I'm tired!!!

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Crisis House again

This week I have been in a crisis house in order to keep myself safe
It has been a hard week and often very triggering but it has also reminded me of the good things I have in my life 
Being in a house like this with 5 other people is not easy. Chaos rules and it's hard not to go along with it
2 people took large overdoses and 2 people self harmed in front of me and that is hard to deal with when your head is everywhere and you are not sleeping.
The staff have been very supportive and helpful and it's been difficult when I have had nightmare after nightmare and wet beds every night. It is embarrassing and triggering. They have got used to me though and can calm me down quite quickly.
When I look at the other people here none of them work and they rely heavily on services. I think I would lose hope - why bother getting out of bed? They have been surprised that I still manage to work but for me there is no alternative. Without my job I would give in and without my family and friends I would have nothing and I really appreciate them all and the support they have given me recently. I keep going because of their love and care.
I'm going home later and that is scary. Nights are still hard and I worry about keeping myself safe. Hopefully the crisis team are going to visit and will be able to check I'm looking after myself and have made my house safer.
There have been lots of tears this week and it has been hard but hopefully I can move forward

So true right now

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Crap day :-(

Had a really bad night last night and didn't have a lot of sleep. Curled up on the bathroom floor for hours and it was bloody cold.
I had to go for another cystoscopy today and really wasn't looking forward to it. I thought I had to go to have a biopsy as the last test showed an area of abnormality. I was so anxious and sat in the waiting room shaking. When I got into the room it was a foreign, male doctor going to do the procedure and I just fell apart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stop shaking and felt like I was going to pass out. The doctor was so lovely and explained that they just needed another look in my bladder to check what they had found. They weren't going to do the biopsy today after all. He could see how upset I was and looked at the report from last time. Luckily (well not sure if it is really) he decided that he didn't need to look again and scheduled an operation for a few weeks time to do the biopsy and anything else that needs doing under anesthetic. I suppose I just need to cross that bridge when I get there.
I got back to my car and was so upset. I felt so stupid and pathetic but I just couldn't do it. I felt ashamed that the nurses and doctor saw what a state I was in but they were really supportive. My skin crawled and it took me ages to calm down enough to be able to drive.
Tonight I feel unsettled and agitated. PTSD really does have such an impact on your life and its hard to deal with. Trying hard to stay safe and keep going but days like today make it hard.

Saturday, 3 October 2015

Little things

Writing this to try and distract myself. I'm having a crap day after a night with very little sleep.
I went out of my house and the door closed behind me before I had time to remember my key! So I had to climb on the wheelie bin next to the side gate and then climb over the gate. Luckily the back door wasn't locked or I would have been in trouble.
Then I went to have my hair cut and popped to Sainsburys to buy some milk. Walking home I realised that I had left my mobile phone next to the till. I ran back but it had gone.
I went home and rang my phone and a random man answered the phone. He said he had picked it up in Sainsburys. I met him and got my phone back - I guess I was lucky that I tried to ring it and he answered.
So now I'm feeling agitated. I am going to a charity ball tonight with some people that I haven't seen for a long time - nervous. With the day I'm having my dress will rip or something stupid happen. Wish I could just go to bed and hide.

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Trying hard not to give up

Kind of given in today and for the first time in a long time I didn't manage to go to work. I had a hard day yesterday after seeing my CPN and writing a crisis plan I just felt really unsettled.
Had the worse night I've had in ages and spent most of it curled up on the bathroom floor just paralyzed with fear. I could hear him, smell him, feel him and my skin crawled. The dim light in the bathroom was just so bright and the house noises loud and intrusive.
The night before I lost it and wrapped the cord from my vacuum cleaner round my neck and tried to trap the cord over the door All that happened was that I ended up with a sore neck and was traumatized by the fact that I'd gone there
This morning I froze in my bedroom I just couldn't go downstairs - in my head I just saw the vacuum cleaner and convinced myself that I was going to kill myself.
Eventually I rang the MHT and my CPN rang me straight back which is not like her - apparently I sounded hysterical on the phone when talking to the receptionist!!!
My CPN (who isn't actually my CPN but that is another story!) managed to calm me down and stayed on the phone while I slowly and tentatively went downstairs. I can remember saying 'I'm not going to kill myself am I?' It is so irrational when I look back but was really distressing at the time
I'm going to stay at home today and tomorrow and try to catch up on sleep. My CPN said I can ring the duty worker later but I don't think I will
I need to get some lorazepam but can't be bothered to talk my way past the receptionists. I am seeing the practice nurse later so am hoping she can help.
I am just so tired again and that makes me not think straight Everything is so overwhelming and yet again I don't feel safe. Cutting my wrists has always been a sign that things are not good but the last time I tried to hang myself I ended up in hospital for 3 months
There is still talk about an in-patient program but I won't know much about it until I see my therapist again

Thursday, 24 September 2015

Psychiatrist appointment

I finally got to see my psychiatrist yesterday and went to the appointment with my CPN. I had prepared some questions and the main points I needed to cover before I went so that I could make the best use of my appointment.
The main thing that I needed to discuss was whether I could start taking some antidepressants and which ones he thought would be best for me.
I have been feeling so low and hopeless for a while now. I just get really down and suicidal thoughts take over my head. I honestly believe that the world would be a better place without me.
I shared this with my psychiatrist and he just sat and smiled! He thought that antidepressants wouldn't change anything for me and then admitted that he just didn't know how to treat me. He said that even if he saw me 10 times in 10 days nothing would change and I would be no better.
I just felt so upset. He didn't listen to me and just dismissed the use of antidepressants but I think they might lift my mood and help me to be more resilient.
My self harm is so bad at the moment and I am no longer reaching out for help. I haven't rang the crisis team for a week now and its taking me much longer to calm down and sort myself out at night.
My psychiatrist said that he thinks an inpatient stay at a trauma unit would be the best thing for me and is going to talk to my therapist and GP to put a bid in for funding. He says it probably wont be this year and that is just scary. How am I supposed to keep going
He didn't even give me an appointment to see him again and he always does. Think he has given in too

Friday, 18 September 2015

What a week!

I'm so glad to see the end of this week. It has not been an easy one to say the least! I saw a friend today and her first words were 'you look rough!'
If only she knew what I'd been through this week and what a miracle it is that I came out of it with only a cut on my wrist.
I've felt so unsettled today and when I got in my car to go home I just froze. I sat in my car and suddenly everything was so bright and so loud and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move and felt really panicked. Time seemed to stand still and half an hour went by from nowhere. Eventually I took my shoes off, got out of the car and stood on the cold concrete in order to ground myself. I think anyone watching me must have thought I had completely lost the plot but I didn't care. I managed to get back in my car and drive home safely. It annoys me just how quickly these feelings can escalate and how I just freeze. There must be a way to manage those feelings better.
Once home I was just so shattered and I tried to sleep for an while but couldn't doze off. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight.
I plan to have 2 PJ days this weekend and to rest so I can feel stronger next week. I can't function properly at work when I'm so tired and everything is such an effort.
I was at a play group this afternoon and was playing with some children in the playground when suddenly I felt something wet and soggy on my leg under my trousers. The packing and dressing from my abscess had come out. I casually pulled it out and put it in my cardigan pocket!!! Yuk - but I didn't know what else to do. My life is just crazy.
I went to the supermarket to get some food for the weekend and ended up buying lots of chocolate - I think I deserve it and need to spoil myself.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Self harm

It's 3am and I woke up an hour ago after a bad nightmare. My bed is wet and I woke in a real panic. I usually put all my sharp things away but last night sewed up a jumper I am knitting and didn't put the scissors away. Stupid mistake I know
I was so out of it with panic when I woke up that the next thing I know I'm in the bathroom bleeding from a cut on my wrist, scissors in my hand. Now I feel so low and really angry with myself. I know what I have to do to keep safe and keeping scissors in my bedroom is never going to work.
Now the dilemma. Do I go to A&E and have the walk of shame or do I see the nurse in the morning? I just don't think I can handle hospital tonight. I'm not feeling strong enough.
I'm not surprised I am struggling as I had a hard day. I had to have a cystoscopy and when I got there it was a man doing the procedure. My instinct was to run but I know I needed to get it done. After watching a few people go in it was obvious that it was a short procedure of only a few minutes so I decided to grin and bear it. After I just felt so dirty that I went home and scrubbed myself clean.
That is probably why tonight has been so bad. Looks like I will just have to face the self harm shame in the morning.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Struggling again

Haven't felt this poorly for a long time. I have a sinus infection that has travelled up to one eye and is really sore, a water infection that suddenly came on today and my abscess seems to have burst yet again.
I had my procedures yesterday and they were just horrible. I was in such a state and felt so embarrassed. The nurses kept telling me it isn't that bad but obviously they didn't know my story and why such an invasive procedure was so hard for me. Afterwards I went into shock and they had to tip the bed to try to raise my blood pressure. I can't really remember much and must have blacked out. I was only aware when I came to with nurses and a doctor around my bed with concerned looks on their faces. Eventually they commented that I had some colour back and my blood pressure improved. Luckily the results were good and I won't have to have the procedure again. They took some biopsies.
Once home I was so sore that I couldn't settle and had a really bad night. I rang the crisis team and left a message but they didn't call me back. Don't really blame them as they must get fed up of me.
Today it was my daughters birthday and we went out for lunch but I just felt ill. She showed me an email that her Dad had sent her and although I should accept it for what it is, a Dad saying Happy Birthday to his daughter it still hurts as he doesn't deserve it. He hasn't supported her in any way for 14 years and only texts on birthdays and at Christmas. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't tell me but at least she felt that she was able to.
Tonight an old friend who hurt me badly has sent me a friend request on Facebook. Dilemma - do I accept it and try to move forward or do I protect myself from more pain. I can't decide but maybe she is trying to reconnect as we have been friends for a long time and our children grew up together - can I move forward and forgive? I'm not sure,
Tonight I can't settle. I still have some pain from yesterday and I have another procedure to endure tomorrow that is going to be painful and invasive. I have to have a cystoscopy and with a water infection it will be difficult and uncomfortable.
I saw a GP today and she was very dismissive. She took a swab from my abscess, dipped my urine and said it had blood in it and was infected but wouldn't give me anything as I am at the hospital. She refused to give me pain relief and I don't really blame her and then I forgot to ask for lorazepam.
Am hoping that writing this will settle me and distract me but I've a feeling that tonight is going to be a long hard night.

Saturday, 12 September 2015

Too many triggers

Over the next few days I am going to have so many triggers and really need to put things in place to look after myself.
I saw y sister for the first time this year today and felt really unsettled when I left - what bit of don't mention my ex husband to me doesn't she understand? It sounds pretty straightforward to me. Luckily I had already heard his latest news earlier in the week so was able to bat it off and not let it upset me too much. At least I can tell myself that I remembered her birthday and took her a nice present so I can hold my head up.
On Monday I have to have a colonoscopy to check that I'm not bleeding anywhere. I know that it is going to be difficult but it is important. Tomorrow I have to take lots of laxatives which I'm not looking forward to at all. The thing that is bothering me most is how I will cope if I am sore afterwards. I need to make sure I have enough pain relief in the house. I think I will sleep the rest of Monday as they are going to sedate me.
Then on Wednesday I have to have a cystoscopy to look inside my bladder. They are not going to sedate me for that and I will have to try and stay relaxed and grounded. I am trying to think what I can do and am going to try looking for certain colours in the environment or maybe items of the same shape. I need to stay present - it is going to be so hard and so embarrassing if I lose it.
Fingers crossed they will both go ok

Monday, 31 August 2015

Progress

Yeah - I managed to go to knitting group tonight and that feels good. I am exhausted and think I will sleep for a week - its amazing how mentally tiring it is to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
When I got to the pub tonight I was shaking and felt sick walking into the pub. Had I got the right place? Would it still be on tonight as it is a Bank Holiday?Will there be anyone there? Loads of questions going round my head and my head was spinning. It would have been so easy to turn and run in the opposite direction.
Once I walked in the room I felt ok. There were 7 other people there and they were all knitting and crocheting different things but showed genuine interest in the owl jumper I am making for my niece. I have altered the pattern and added my own detail to it and got some positive comments.
I was nervous once I had sat down and concerned that because of my state of high alert I wouldn't be able to follow the conversation or would make a fool of myself but I stayed quiet for a while and listened and then was able to be more settled and more confident.
I was invited to go to a knitting event in a few weeks time in Yorkshire and my initial reaction was to decline the offer, I might actually go as I know I will enjoy it and it will be another achievement and a day out.
Back at home I am feeling exhausted and drained but I'm happy I made myself go there - its something I've been trying to do for weeks and now I've been there I know I can go again next week and spend some time with other people that enjoy the same things as me. No one judged me and I was able to hold my own. I didn't feel out of place.
I am a bit concerned about the prospect of the low after the euphoria and have given myself a hard time about being so stupid. I just hope I am now able to sleep and don't have a bad night.
Tomorrow is the last day before I go back to work on Wednesday and I've arranged to take my nieces out for lunch which will be enjoyable. It just goes to show that life is what you make it and I've got to keep pushing myself forwards.

Sunday, 30 August 2015

Nights

It's 12.05am and I should go to bed. I still haven't made my bed after my nightmare last night and the thought of wrestling with my duvet doesn't really seem like a task I want to do.
I still have my 'bedtime' routine to do that I'm supposed to do every night. All the sharps to be put in the shed, hide my car keys and house keys and make the house as safe as possible. Grrr tonight I just can't be bothered but I suppose I need to do it more than ever so that I am safe.
My children have all left home now and the house is so quiet. I really miss them and find being on my own so hard after bringing my children up on my own for so long. However I have to let them go and I have to let them lead their own lives. I think I need to find my life again and do more of the things that I enjoy. Tomorrow night there is a knitting club that I've been putting off going to for months as I find it daunting walking into a pub by myself but I know that they will make me welcome and I will enjoy it. So I'm going to try my best to go and show off the lovely owl jumper that I am knitting for my niece.
What else do I enjoy??? Where can I go?? I thought about looking for a book club or even going to aqua aerobics but one step at a time.
To be honest all last week I had planned to end my life this weekend. I've been feeling really suicidal and had got it in my head that it would be ok if I wasn't around anymore. I know that that isn't true and I know that suicide is not the answer but sometimes it is hard to keep my head up and keep going. I really need to start some antidepressants so I can dig myself out of this hole.

Friday, 28 August 2015

Sticking plaster

Still struggling with suicidal thoughts and having to work hard to keep myself safe.
The crisis house was offered again but this time I just didn't feel like it was the right place to be. I feel like it is just like a short term sticking plaster and doesn't actually change anything. At the end of 5 days I will still have to just go home and nothing will have changed.
I am not in the right frame of mind to be around other people that are struggling. If anyone was confrontational or hard to be around I think I would find it triggering and wouldn't be safe anyway, so there is no point going there.
I know I can ring the crisis team if I need to over the bank holiday. I have some sleeping tablets to take if I need to. Last night I did get to sleep quickly with the tablet but ended up having a bad nightmare and for the first time in ages soiled the bed. I had to throw away all my bedding and I hate that.
Trying to keep distracted and stay around people. I'm not sure what the answer is but maybe going back to work next week will help - I don't know but I'm prepared to keep an open mind.

Sunday, 23 August 2015

Letter I will not send

Been feeling particularly suicidal recently and have contemplated writing goodbye letters to my children. I don't think I have ever felt as bad as this before and am trying to make sense of it. Empty nest syndrome probably does play a part. My children have all left home now and I'm spending more time on my own. It's summer so I'm not at work and I've also not been very well. All in all I'm not surprised that I'm struggling and battling with my head. Suicidal thoughts are painful and intrusive and hit you when you least expect it. It scares me that in a mad moment I might act on the thoughts and I often don't feel safe. All I can do is keep going

There is one letter inside me that I'd love to send and that is to the person that hurt me the most - Bruce. How do I even start to put on paper how much he has hurt me? How can I describe the pain I live with every day, even after all these years? He will not give me a second thought and I know he hasn't a clue of the impact of his actions. I often wonder if he ever thinks of his children. It won't be long and his daughters will be planning weddings - how would he feel seeing someone else walking them down the aisle? In a few years there might be Grandchildren. He will never see them - will he regret that? Or is he just such a cold bastard that it doesn't matter? I have years of my life, the birth of my children, their early childhood etc etc that I can't share with anyone. I look at old photos and wonder if my memories are real. Why am I smiling? Why do we look just like a normal family? Should I have known - were there any signs?

I know it doesn't help to go over these thoughts but I somehow need to make sense of my life. Am I really a bad person? Often I wonder who I am. I push people away and have little confidence. Who would want to spend time with me? There is such a pain deep inside me and I'm tired of trying to hide it. Maybe I need to write these letters and burn them just to get everything inside of me out. Maybe one day I will but they can't be goodbye letters - not yet anyway

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Who needs a doctor?

What a week!!!
I have been so poorly with an abscess this week and have tried hard to get it treated and to get rid of the pain.
I went to A&E on Saturday night and was sent home with no treatment. Then I saw my GP yesterday who wanted me to go straight to hospital but I had to take my daughter to Manchester to start a new job. Stupidly I drove there and when I was there my abscess burst all over the place!! /yuk!
I went to a hospital in Manchester and they put a needle in my arm, took some bloods, looked at my abscess and sent me home with the needle still in my arm! Would have been so easy to mess with it but I didn't. I know how to take them out luckily.
I went home and went back to my local hospital. They looked at the abscess that is oozing gunk everywhere. They said it will heal itself and put a tiny plaster on it that barely lasted till I got back into my car.
I feel that the fact I self harm and had probably caused the abscess made people judge me and I haven't received proper care. I have had no antibiotics for the abscess and it hasn't been cleaned.
I got home and cleaned it out as best I can. Then I got some surgical ribbon and packed the wound. It is really deep and a whole pack of ribbon went in it. Then I covered it.
It is already leaking through the dressing but I have an appointment with my practice nurse tomorrow who will sort it for me.
It's a good job I know what to do

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Feeling poorly

Been curled up in bed all day feeling poorly and sorry for myself. Yesterday I had an appointment at the GP surgery to have my stitches out and got there on time. I sat down only to be told that there were 3 minor operations to do before me and it would be over an hour wait. I had had a bad night and was feeling really unsettled so I just got up and walked out!
I saw my psychiatrist the same day and he was useless!!! He just kept asking me what I wanted and how to keep myself safe. He said I seemed very low and asked me if I needed some antidepressants and if so which ones. Well I don't bloody know - he's supposed to be the doc. He also said that my risk levels for suicide are high and how he could hep to keep me safe. It seems that if I don't have the answers then nothing happens. I spoke about a care coordinator again and he said he would get back to me. He doubled the dosage of prazosin and told me to think about which antidepressants I wanted for my next appointment. Waste of time seeing him.
I have a water infection so I went back to see my GP and saw a new locum doctor. He looked at my stitches and said they were ok to stay in till Monday and prescribed me some antibiotics for my infection and some iron tablets as I am anemic.  Due to my low iron levels he wants to send me for some tests at the hospital to see if I'm bleeding anywhere, starting with the gut. Well if he thinks anyone is putting a camera up my bum he has another thing coming. The panic I feel when I even think about it is horrendous. My life just gets better and better.
So, I go to the chemists to get my antibiotics to be told they have never heard of them and don't stock them. They said they would try and get them in by lunch time the next day. However this morning they rang to say they can't get them till Monday, so I still have a painful infection and no antibiotics. I could just cry.
I'm fed up of ringing the crisis team and fed up of trying to get some help. Think I just need to go and curl up back in bed until Monday when I can finally get some antibiotics

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Aftercare

The last few days have been a roller coaster and I'm feeling exhausted
After cutting myself badly a few nights ago I had hoped that there would be some support available to keep me safe over the weekend. However that has certainly not been the case at all.
I was told to ring the crisis team if I needed them and they would be able to offer help and even a home visit or face to face meeting
I rang them last night and a man at the other end said they were busy but would ring me straight back. Well in a couple of hours that will be 24 hours ago and I'm still waiting! I guess they think I will ring back of I needed to but why would I? They just let me down and make me feel pretty crap.
I'm not sure what after care would have been good but none is just crap. I don't think I would want to be in hospital but can I keep myself safe? I'm not sure I can
I usually try to make my house as safe as possible but the other night had been sewing up a knitting project and had left the scissors out without thinking. That was all it took for me to be so unsafe
I think I need to make a checklist for when I go to bed so I put all sharps away
This weekend has been hard and very overwhelming.

Saturday, 8 August 2015

DPM

I really hate the treatment that you get in A&E. I was so upset about ending up back there again and was made to sit for hours in the middle of the department on a hard chair while all the other patients, even the drunk ones, laid on comfy beds. A nurse came to do the referral to DPM and asked me very personal and embarrassing questions infront of other patients sitting next to me. I wanted to curl up and die.
Then I kept getting told that someone would be down to assess me in half an hour - 4 hours later someone came and asked me if I lived in a bungalow etc, what my religion was etc etc and then just told me to go home and ring the crisis team! Duh, that was no help at all. Looking back I know there is nothing much else he could have said or done but maybe to ask how I was feeling would have been a good start as then I could have said how overwhelmed and frightened I was. I could have talked through how I was going to cope at home and keep myself safe and how to use my medication more effectively. Maybe I should do their job?
Have managed to get some sleep and am going to have a quiet day. Can't believe how badly I hurt myself - do I really hate myself that much? Do I really care that little about myself? My self harm is getting worse and it's like I'm on self destruct. Got to go through the humiliation of having my stitches out next week too - joys!

Friday, 7 August 2015

A&E

In A&E as I've managed to cut through an artery!!! One of these days I won't make it to be patched up
Can't even remember hurting myself tonight and I'm so upset at the damage I've done
Been waiting for hours to be sorted and still got to see the mental health team but I know they will just send me home
It scares me what I'm capable of but at the same time I don't really care 
This is just crap
It's now 3 hours later and I'm still here waiting for DPM - feel so crap sat on the naughty chair - even the drunk people get treated better than me. Going to leave if they don't come soon - they can't help anyway 

Thursday, 6 August 2015

Nightmares

It's night time again and as usual I'm getting anxious about going to bed. I'm not sure what the trigger has been but my nightmares recently have been really loud and really vivid.
I had hoped that the prazosin was going to help more with my nightmares and stop them being so bad. I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week and I'm going to see if I can up the dose to see if that has any positive impact
I'm definately not having as many wet beds and that is helping but the content of my nightmares still has such a lasting impact on me. My CPTSD goes into overdrive and stays with me during the day. Simple smells and everyday sounds trigger images and negative thought patterns and they are hard to shift.
It's getting me down and I'm trying hard not to let anyone notice but I wonder if I'm heading for a fall. There are times during the day when I can't breathe and I just feel panic. Holding my head up and soldiering on is what I do but I'm not sure it helps. Maybe I should be more open to let people help me but I hate it when I'm let down or I feel judged
Someone told me to write down my nightmare in as much detail as I can but I'm confused as to how that will help.
I hate my nightmares and I hate nights.

Monday, 3 August 2015

Sleeping sickness

Nights have continued to be a problem. Rang the crisis team a few nights ago only to be told to read a book - I just wanted to laugh 'that's where I've gone wrong all these years' I don't keep a book on the bathroom floor to read when I'm in a mess. As if - it just made me feel stupid and pathetic
I won't be ringing for help again any time soon.
I have a water infection and am in a lot of pain. I saw my GP today and she gave me some antibiotics. When I got home I went upstairs at 10am and my daughter woke me up at 5pm. I was fast asleep. I feel a lot stronger after sleeping, so I obviously needed it but had hoped to sort my garden out today. It can wait till tomorrow.
My daughter has just announced that she is leaving home and that is sad but I'm glad that she is getting on with her life and is happy. I need to try to get on with my life. I was supposed to go to knitting club today and I know I would have enjoyed it but finding the thought of meeting people in a pub a bit hard. I know once I go I will be fine but it just seems one step too far right now.
It's late and I need to go to bed - feel sick at the thought of it. Not feeling very strong to deal with nightmares right now and keeping myself safe is doing my head in. I just want to be normal

Monday, 27 July 2015

Crisis House

Been at the crisis house for two nights. It is good to have somewhere safe to go and the staff here are lovely but the other patients are hard to be around and pretty triggering. They kick off, scream and shout and then self harm, take overdoses etc
If they can't keep safe here then what are they like normally? There is always someone to talk to who will listen and calm you down and they go out of their way to write plans to support you. Some people just don't want to be helped but just like drama and chaos.
It is so unsettling when your feeling crap anyway. 2 people have walked out and another girl just does the opposite of what she is told all the time.
I find it hard to see others self harming when I'm trying my best not to. It's a constant battle for me. Not going off in my car is also hard but I must try and get the support I need and stay focused
Nights have been bad and it's good to have someone to talk to but they can also see how much I'm struggling which makes it easier for services to help me. Often I can't explain what is going on but this way they can see it. The crisis team come and see me and they will help me when I go home later in the week
Mental health is just so complex - I don't really understand it

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Nights in my car

Its 5am and I've been in my car all night. I promised myself (and others) that I would try to stay at home and to not spend the night in the car but right now this is how I'm coping. I know it's pretty stupid and I know I'm vulnerable out in the car especially as I'm disassociating so much. 
I tried so hard to stay at home. I tried curling up on the settee but when the panic sets in I just go. 
I can't explain logically why I'm doing this. It doesn't make sense but it feels safer than staying at home. 
I think it might be the enclosed space in the car that helps and the fact I have nothing here that will hurt me. I gravitate to the river and find it peaceful and calming. The water is so still and I love the light dancing on the water.
Have got yo go to work tomorrow but I'm so exhausted. I've been offered a place at the crisis house again and I'm seriously thinking of going. Maybe that will support me into sleeping in my bed again? Even if it just helps me to stay at home it will be better.
Going to try and drive home. I might be able to grab a few hours sleep............

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Appointment

Had an appointment with a cpn today. Don't quite know how I feel about it except it seemed a bit surreal.
I have been struggling all week and am exhausted. For some reason I'm struggling with staying at home at night and have been going off in my car to just keep safe. I get so frustrated with myself when I do that and know that its a fight or flight response but don't really know how safe I am out in the dark in my car. However the cpn thought it was acceptable and nothing to worry about!!! She said she knew lots of people that sleep in their car. This kind of confused me as I had hoped we would be able to discuss options to try and keep me at home overnight but now I'm questioning my judgement.
Throughout today I've disassociated quite a lot - it just seems to get worse the more tired I get. I'm losing time and can't remember chunks of what I've done.
My skin crawls more than normal and images are bright and vivid. It's like I'm on high alert which I know is part of my PTSD but doesn't get any easier to handle or accept.
I'm just so tired and wish I could get some sleep. Have considered asking for some zopiclone but don't want to get into junkie mode. Zopiclone makes me feel rubbish anyway.
Have asked to see if the crisis house is still available as a last resort and it is seeing as I behaved myself last time lol!!! I have trauma therapy on thursday so will see how I feel after that.

Sunday, 19 July 2015

Junkie

Need a rant! Am turning into a drug addict or some kind of junkie and I really don't like it.
When I had my accident in Lanzarote the doctor gave me 4mg of lorazepam to take each day for the rest of the holiday. I normally have 5 1mg tablets to last a week. Foolishly I took them whilst I was away and they did help, probably more than I thought.
So I get back home and suddenly I have no tablets left and realise that I've got dependent on them. I ring my psychiatrist to be told that he is away on holiday for 2 weeks and no one else is available. Then I try to speak to the MHT but no one returns my call. Finally I speak to my GP, but one I don't know very well. He agrees to give me 1 mg a day for 7 days and I just took the prescription thinking that it was better than nothing. I've spent the last few days shaking and agitated. I can't sleep and have spent hours in my car throughout the night as it's the only place I feel safe.
I spoke to the crisis team throughout last night and she managed to get me home and told me to take 2 lorazepam and to go to bed. That is very well and good but what do I do when I run out again. I will have to beg for more. No one seems to be listening.
I'm happy to reduce the amount. I don't want to take that much but I can't just stop it overnight. I feel so emotional and frightened.
I suppose it's my fault for taking them but they got me through a bad time and I was safe. Seems that I can't win 😪

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Going home

Just waiting around to fly home - will arrive back around midnight
The rest and the sunshine has done me good but I'm feeling anxious about how I'm going to cope back home
Two weeks of work and then I've got a month off. Think I need to spend that time trying to let people help me more. My therapist talked about an inpatient trauma program and I've resisted so far - it seems scary and I don't like to feel out of control but I recognise I need help
Things spiral so quickly downwards and I'm leaving myself at risk of doing some permanent damage.
So far this past few months I've knocked myself unconscious, broken my collar bone, taken overdoses, stabbed myself and needed stitches more than once. It is not good and I need to start looking after myself more.
The disassociation is getting out of control - maybe a review of meds is needed? I just know I can't keep going like this if I want to see my grandchildren!!!

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Middle of the night

Things aren't working too brill tonight - it's the middle of the night and I'm stick on the bathroom floor
There is no internet connection so won't be able to send this till tomorrow
Meg is fast asleep and I can't breathe - I don't want to wake her but feel stuck in here
There are too many shadows everywhere and I'm making myself jump just by moving 
Hate my life at times like this

Monday, 13 July 2015

Hanging on

Hanging on to reality and keeping my head above water - just!
My youngest daughter is sleeping with me and it is helping. Having the weirdest dreams involving us both though - we have been deep sea diving, learning to ride a bike, teaching a class of naughty children and cycling down a mountain!!!
Much better than the nightmares I normally have. She wakes me up if I seem agitated or upset.
Am managing to sunbathe and swim and have eaten more than I have in a while.
It goes to show I should let people help me more and stop being so independent 
Back to work on Friday but I'm feeling less stressed and more rested than I have in a while.




Friday, 10 July 2015

Another week

Still in Lanzarote and am beginning to wish I had listened to my head and not my heart - I was struggling before I came and being here is not helping. Nights are so frightening, I daren't sleep and now I'm exhausted and struggling with reality.
I can hear him and smell him through out the day. There are shadows everywhere and I daren't take my meds as I don't want to sleep.
I've been spending time curled up on the bathroom floor. It's the only place I feel safe.
I hate letting my family down but I can't cope. I'm just getting lower and lower and I'm frightened. It's going to be a long week

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Holiday chaos

Just spent a week in Lanzarote. Was looking forward to coming away but the run up to the holiday had not been easy and night times were particularly bad with lots of disassociation 
The third night I was here I had a bad nightmare and woke up disorientated and all over the place. I managed to get out of my apartment in the early hours of the morning in a dis associative state. I fell down some stone stairs and knocked myself unconscious and ended up at the hospital in the next town where they found I had  broken my collar bone too.
They kept injecting me and knocking me out and were freaked put by my mental health. I rang my MHT for advice and no one would talk to me - I was so frightened. In the end they spoke to my GP and I was let out the next day
Feeling battered and bruised and very overwhelmed. Trying to keep pretending I'm ok but I feel so detached from everything and daren't sleep again
Can't wait to come home next week

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Bad night = Bad day

The sun is shining and that is supposed to make you feel happy and alive but I am just so tired that I don't know what to do with myself.
I spent 2 hours stuck in the bathroom last night - everything was so loud and so bright. I could hear him, smell him and the pictures in my head flicked from eerie shadows to clear images - his menacing face mocking me.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. Just stuck there in the middle of the night. I could smell the urine as I wet myself and could do nothing to stop it.
Coming round in such a mess on the bathroom floor is just so hard. It makes me feel dirty and disgusting, weak and pathetic. All I can do is to try to make sense of it and to ground myself which is just not easy when senses are taking over.
I didn't get back to sleep at all and still got up at 8 and went to work. A day full of meetings has taken its toll and I'm exhausted but scared to go to bed. How will I cope if the same happens again tonight? As the sun fades I'm feeling lower and lower - dreading the inevitable nightmare
I'm on my own tonight and feeling overwhelmed.

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Overdosed

Not a good title to a post or a good thing to do but Friday evening I had had enough. I picked up all my medication and took a cocktail of everything I have. Saturday came round very quickly and I was dull and sluggish. I remember talking to my cpn at some point on Friday and her saying I was sounding very sedated - I must have done a good job of fobbing her off.
Yesterday I managed to go to my brother's barbeque but I did.t know anyone there and I made small ralk for a while before going home.
Then back to the meds - they had worked so well the night before and my head is in a crap place right now. However I know its dangerous and not a game I should be playing - 'How many pills does it take to knock me out?' 'Which combination works best?' Got a horrible feeling I didn't even think about how much paracetamol and think tramadol has paracetamol in it too = oh well, too late now.
I just don't really care.
Stupid thing is that I'm off on holiday this week and I've been looking forward to it. Where has that fight gone?

Friday, 26 June 2015

100th Post!

So this is my 100th post. Only seems like yesterday that I started writing my blog.
I'm not sure it helps but it's interesting to read back and helps me to see patterns in my behaviour and how I'm thinking when I'm struggling.
Been to the dentist today and I find it really triggering. I needed root canal treatment and he took ages to do it. My head was spinning and I thought I was going to be sick.
When I got back to my car I could hardly walk and just went straight home and went to bed. I slept all afternoon. Something so small can just exhaust me.
Feeling numb now and know I need to eat and take care of myself but haven't got the energy.
I feel that I should do something special for my 100th post but it's not going to happen lol x

Monday, 22 June 2015

Quetiapine

Have just been reading the side effects for quetiapine and although I'm only on a low dose I have definately been feeling much worse since taking the medication.
My psych wants me to cut it down to taking it every other day but I think I might just stop taking it altogether. I am feeling much more suicidal and that is reflected in my recent posts. I need to listen to how I'm feeling.
Tonight I have a knot in my stomach and I'm just feeling so unsettled. It's like I don't care anymore. There is a part of me that is in self destruct and my head is in a terrible place. I go on holiday a week on Thursday and want to go in one piece. I already have stitches in my wrist and its going to be hard to hide the scar on holiday. I've been wearing long sleeved tops and so far noone has noticed.
There is a massive part of me that wants to ask for help and I need to be safe. If that means going into hospital then I'm kind of ok about that even though I know I would hate it.
I've managed to go to work but I'm struggling - just bouncing from one visit to the next, not keeping on top of admin and not really engaging with anything. I just sat in my car today feeling so lost and ended up colouring in a colouring book just to try and ground me and keep me in the present.
I was supposed to be going out tonight but didn't go. I'm not feeling very strong and curling up away from the world seems like the best option.
Its true that when we need others the most we push them away. I don't trust anyone and am feeling so alone.

Sunday, 21 June 2015

So far so good

It's been a hard weekend but so far so good - I can do this!
I've spent most of the weekend sleeping but have managed to mow the lawn and do some tidying up outside and have tidied up all of downstairs and cleaned the kitchen. I read an article about positive self talk earlier and am going to try to follow the advice and every time I think something negative about myself I'm going to try and challenge it with a positive thought. I'm not dirty and disgusting - the people that have hurt me are.
I use positive self talk a lot to get myself out of situations and to enable me to do things like shopping when I'm in a panic. After a nightmare I tell myself that I'm safe and no one can hurt me. I often say over and over 'I can do this' It does help. I have never tried to bounce off negative thoughts though and can really see the benefit of doing that - will let you know how it goes.
I've got a busy week coming up that I'm not looking forward to. I need to talk to my GP about supporting me when I'm in a mess and I have a meeting with my CPN.
I'm going on holiday a week on Thursday so have something positive to look forward to - 2 weeks of relaxing with my girls and sunshine.

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Disassociating

Don't really remember much about last night. Had a nightmare and a wet bed and despite the sound mat and other barriers I have put in place I still managed to get into the kitchen and pick up a knife.
Luckily I came round. It was cold and I had knocked the dogs drinking water everywhere.
I rang the crisis team in a panic - I feel so sorry for the lady on the other end. She couldn't understand what I was saying but stayed with me and calmed me down. She made me concentrate on my breathing and told me not to talk. We then explored what I could do next and how to stay safe. She made sure I was out of the kitchen.
Today I just feel exhausted and have so much to do but no energy. I need to cut my lawn and maybe the fresh air will do me good. I need to get motivated.
Still have that horrible feeling that I want to curl up and die and I can't shake it. I'm on my own today which isn't good. Need to keep busy and distracted.

Friday, 19 June 2015

Maybe this weekend?

I have to face the fact that I'm really struggling and feeling suicidal. Plans are going round and round in my head and I go over and over them.
I know that my children love me and they would be completely lost without me but I just can't shake off the belief that I would be better off dead.
The struggle and the pain just gets worse and nighttime nightmares are sneaking into daytime panics more and more. I've been getting stuck in my car most days and it it hard. Today I just lost it in my car and wet myself. It just felt like the end of the world and I wanted to curl up and die.
I am just finding it harder and harder to feel connected and I am numb and lost.
Today I saw my psychiatrist today and he wants me to stay on my medication even though I'm struggling more in the day and my self harm is out of control. He did agree to me finally having a CPN and I really like her so hopefully things should be better. /I have got to ring my GP and get them to agree to a crisis plan so I can get help when I need it without having to get through the receptionists.
Have just gor to try and keep going.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Crap week

Having a crap week so far. Monday I went to give blood and was treated badly as I have scars on my wrist. There was no need to point them out and ask me how I had done them. Then go and get other nurses just to check I was ok to give blood - are mental health patients not ok to give their blood? Might it infect them?
Then on Tuesday I passed out probably from giving the blood and embarrassed myself whilst at a school. I knew I was going to faint and nearly managed to get to the toilet before I blacked out. I cut my arm all the way down in the process. Then my manager told me off for something I hadn't done and really pissed me off.
I had trauma therapy that leaves me unsettled in the new building. There are lots of bad memories in that building and it does trigger me. Am not seeing him for a while which is good. He talked about having a multi agency meeting to discuss my care as he thinks my risk is too high at the moment and I'm not getting the right support. Hopefully this time I can go to the meeting.
Yesterday I was so unsettled and had a flashback at lunchtime. I rang the duty MH team and spoke to the duty worker who told me to ring back when I was calmer! Duh that's what I need you for, to calm me down and help me to focus and stay safe. So I rang my GP surgery and was too distressed that I couldn't get past the receptionist. There were no appointments available.
I sat in my car and cried, then time just went and it was 1am. I had cut my wrist badly. I ended up at A&E and they patched me up. I didn't want to speak to anyone - they can't help me. So now I am home and feeling frightened and overwhelmed. Ask me again if I'm feeling suicidal and I might give you the right answer?

Sunday, 14 June 2015

Reasons to get better

Looking back at the last 10 years I have gone from one crisis to the next. It's like I'm on a roller coaster and I can't get off. I feel like my life is one big Ferris wheel. I start at the bottom and work really hard to try and turn my life around only to end up right back at the bottom again.
The cogs in the wheel that hold me up are my children, my job, the nurses at my GP practice, my GP, MHT, therapists and the crisis team. I need them to keep me going.
I should have friends and family in the cogs but I don't really have any. I'm too good at being independent and pushing people away. My mental health scares people, especially when they see my scars.
I do have reasons to keep going and to keep trying. I need to get off the roller coaster.
The main reasons are:-

  • I can't let the people that have hurt me win
  • I love my children and want the best for them
  • I want to see my grandchildren
  • I want to be at my children's weddings
  • I deserve better 
  • I want to be happy
  • There is still so much I want to see and do in my life
I just can't give in. Lots of wonderful people have given their time and energy to be there for me so I must be worth it. I know they are just doing their job but I really appreciate all that they do. If I can get stronger it will all have been worth it.

Trouble is how do you shut your head up? My head is full of images that are so painful. Will they ever ho away? I am so tired. I need to remember the good things in my life and try to keep moving forward. I need a Ferris wheel that only goes up and up.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

What was I thinking?

Had a really hard day yesterday and put myself and my daughter at risk. I need to learn from my mistakes and not go there again.
I had a bad night on Friday night and didn't have much sleep. I needed to take a lorazepam to calm me down. I already have a cut wrist and didn't want to hurt myself more.
Then I got up and drove to Manchester to pick my daughter up from university. By the time I got there I felt heavy and sluggish. I could hardly talk or co-ordinate my movements. I lay down for a bit and we went for something to eat which helped.
After loading the car up I started to drive back home but I just couldn't mentally follow my sat nav. We got lost going round and round manchester. In the end my daughter took charge and told me when to turn etc and we finally made it home.
I got out of the car and went straight to bed absolutely shattered. I fell asleep with my clothes on.
I shouldn't have driven back as I wasn't in a good place to drive. I was exhausted and my daughter doesn't drive. Waiting till this morning would have been better.
Sometimes I don't listen to my body and I set myself impossible goals. Yesterday was too much and I should have waited. Luckily no one was hurt and we got back ok.
I do that at work. When I've been up all night I still go to work and I try to carry on. Is that another form of self harm? I'm not sure. I hate letting people down but I also don't like my actions putting others at risk.
Yesterday was not a good day and I'm going to rest today

Sunday, 7 June 2015

Bad week

So this week has been a bad week. On Wednesday night I had a nightmare and disassociated. I ended up in the kitchen somehow and got a knife. I stabbed myself in the chest and came to covered in blood. I cannot remember hurting myself at all which is so scary. I went to A&E and had to have a CT scan and an ECG. Luckily I had not done any serious damage but they kept me in the hospital overnight. I was so frightened and overwhelmed. It brought home that one of these days I'm going to kill myself. I stabbed myself hard enough to go right through the skin and nearly into the abdominal cavity.
After leaving the hospital I saw my trauma therapist. He asked what he could do to help but I just don't know. I feel so lost. He is away for a few weeks but is going to email my psychiatrist and GP to tell them I am struggling.
I saw my cpn and we did a plan for the next week. I have planned in time to ring for support. I now have to put away all my sharp objects overnight into the shed. I have put a mat that plays music when you tread on it in front of my bedroom door to stop me getting out and a wind chime before the kitchen door to maybe make a noise and bring me back into reality.
Today I volunteered again for a race for life. I helped for nearly 7 hours, giving out medals at the finish line, being a course Marshal and marking the course. Everyone seemed very friendly but no one really spoke much and no one thanked me at the end. I've come home and am feeling tired and lonely.
I guess I just have to try and keep going but it's not easy. I'm tired and overwhelmed.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Mischief in my head

Really struggling tonight and there is mischief in my head. It's like I know I'm heading for a fall or something major.
All day I've been dicing with danger. I've picked up knives, rope, tablets etc and my head has screamed as I've driven my car to pull out or drive off the road.
I've made my room as safe as possible but my head is spinning. I know it's going to be hard to get through the night in one piece.
Can't be bothered to ring anyone for help as they can't help me.
Just wish my head would shut up

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Self Harm

I hate it when I hurt myself especially when I cut my wrists. That is my signal that things have got too bad and I'm not coping very well at all
When the emotional pain gets too much I just snap and then hate it so much when I harm myself. People notice my cuts and they get harder to explain to simple accidents. There is such a stigma around self harm and people don't understand that I don't do it for attention but it's more a response to overwhelming emotional pain
Turning that pain into physical pain makes it easier to cope with and it's a pain I know will eventually go.
Often I don't know I've hurt myself and to come round to blood everywhere is scary. One day I will hurt myself so badly that there will be no going back.
I just can't explain what happens. I don't understand why I do what I do or what it would take for it to stop. Why do I do what I do? I wish I could stop it and be normal
I don't want to hurt myself and I want to be able to move on with my life in a healthy way.
Please don't judge me or others that hurt themselves. The scars remind me of all my pain and I don't want any more
I try distraction techniques and when I'm not distressed or disassociating they work well but at times it all just goes out of the window

Sunday, 31 May 2015

Night crisis team

Am in such a bad place and have just got off the phone to the crisis team. Aargh I just feel like screaming, what bit of "help I'm struggling" don't you understand
I've cut my wrist and I'm bleeding but have no recollection of doing so, I'm scared and frightened. I can't look after me right now. I'm not safe. Please listen to me
How many times do I ask for help? Not many but I know when I'm struggling. I know when I've reached the edge. I know when enough is enough and I need help.
I'm trying to write this to ground myself and to try and calm down but as I type I'm shaking, crying and I can't breathe. What can I do? Where can I go?
I feel so alone and scared. Inside I'm just hurting so much and there's no one to help me make it stop. I am not stupid, I know there is not much you can do but maybe try listening and acknowledging what I'm saying. Try showing me that you care and want to help. Stay with me for a few minutes to calm my breathing. Talk through my coping. I can't do this on my own, my head is all over the place and is screaming for me to run. Running is not safe. When I run I disassociate and anything can happen but how do I just stay here? I try to tell myself I can do this, I'm safe and no one can hurt me. Come on, keep going, you can do this.
Why let him win? This is so hard and I need help. Please help me.

Alone with it all

What a difference less than a day can make. I felt ok this morning and hopeful that things were getting better but tonight I just feel lost and have that horrible knotted up feeling in my stomach. I've taken my meds but for some reason don't want to go to sleep. I just know I won't cope tonight with another nightmare.
I've got a busy day at work tomorrow and in the morning am assessing someone doing a level 3 qualification in Child Care. I just hope she is ok because I don't feel strong enough to tell anyone they have failed. Maybe I should give in and stay off work but then I'm alone with my head and my head is not a good place to be right now. How do I keep my head up and pretend everything is ok? Everything is not ok and there are more times that I just want to curl up and die. I hate feeling like this.
So who do I tell? Where do I go for help before I do something stupid? My MHT just tell me to go for a walk. The crisis team tell me to take another lorazepam. My GP hasn't got a clue and is under the impression that the crisis team will come and see me and make everything better. My psychiatrist never has any appointments. My therapist can't cope with the fact that I'm not getting any better and my family don't give a shit.
Seems that it's back to good old me. Distractions, distractions, positive self talk, hot baths, drives in the car to the river, watching tele and when all that fails there is always tablets and scissors. Sometimes the emotional pain is just too great

Crisis over

I think the prazosin is helping and last months crisis is finally over for now. I'm sleeping a lot better although the meds do make me feel a bit groggy in the mornings.
I had a B12 injection last week and already feel like I have more energy. I managed to get loads done in the garden yesterday and am hoping to do some housework today.
I still get moments where I just feel really low and know I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm trying to stay around people and keep busy. I've knitted some lovely cardigans for friends babies that are due soon and it makes me happy to be able to give them to them.
I have an abscess on my wrist from where I cut myself. It finally burst last night and is looking a lot better this morning. I have dressed it and am keeping it clean. I'm trying to not use antibiotics if I can help it. I've had so many recently.
This week I have another trauma therapy session. Last weeks was probably the worse session I have ever had. We tried to tackle some pretty traumatic flashbacks and it just got too much. I was so upset and couldn't breathe. My therapist got me a drink of water and it was obvious that he just didn't know what to do. My skin crawled and I couldn't stay still. I paced up and down his office and cried. Now I feel so stupid! This week I think we need to take it much slower and maybe concentrate on positives. The images in my head just get so loud and vivid and I can't deal with them. The EMDR is supposed to give me a tool to tackle those images but I have learnt that you can't force it and you have to be ready. Smaller steps forward are better sometimes. I'm nervous about this week but know I need to keep going.
So it's back to work tomorrow and hopefully this week will be better

Monday, 25 May 2015

Prazosin

Have finally started taking my new medication. After years of research I have prazosin and although I can't talk about a miracle yet my nightmares have been easier to deal with and I have been falling asleep a lot quicker after waking up in a mess
My blood pressure has been low but I've not been dizzy after getting up. My GP is checking it tomorrow.
Not sure where I am in my head right now. Calmer than last week I think but still all over the place. I have a session with my therapist tomorrow and we are going to deal with some crazy issues. I know it will be hard but I've hot to go there in order to move on. Just hope I don't disassociate as I will be very embarrassed.
Better try to get some sleep

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Crisis House

Have been in a crisis house for the past 5 nights. I'm just not coping very well at all. Nightmares are impossible and my self harm is bad. Yesterday I got out onto the road at 7am in my pyjamas which was really scary. So tonight they have locked me in!
It scares me when I disassociate and don't know where I am. My skin crawls and the images are so vivid and in my face. 
I've finally got my new meds prazosin but can't start taking them properly till next week as my blood pressure is low. It's so frustrating.
Back home tomorrow which will be nice 

Sunday, 10 May 2015

Quetiapine

My psychiatrist decided that I should start taking 25mg of quetiapine at night to help me sleep and maybe stop my nightmares.
I started taking it a week ago and it is a bloody nightmare. I get off to sleep really quickly but am waking up about 4am in an absolute mess. I just can't get myself out of the nightmare. Images stay with me and everything is so bright and vivid. I just can't ground myself and am disassociating.
I stabbed myself badly in the stomach and ended up at A&E where I had to have a CT scan and be stitched up.
During the day I don't feel safe. My head is all over the place. Thoughts of hanging myself are never far away and I'm not eating or looking after myself at all.
I have rang my MHT, the crisis team and seen my GP but they are not listening to how frightened I am and how unsafe I feel.
What do I have to do to get some help?
In reality I know there isn't much they can do. I don't want to be locked up. I need to stay at work but I'm struggling and feeling alone with it all.
Should I stop taking the quetiapine? Should I try to ride it out with hopes it will improve? I just don't know what to do.
I do know that right now I just want to curl up and die.

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Making progress?

Am really trying hard to turn my life around. I read my diaries from previous years and am still stuck in the same destructive cycle that I can almost predict what my diary will say!
So I have been going to a knitting club that I'm really enjoying and it is lovely to meet other ladies that enjoy knitting too. I have picked up some tips and have been persuaded to make something for me.
Next Sunday I am going to do a days painting art class and although I'm nervous I'm going to try and enjoy myself. I have never painted before and am sure my efforts will probably look nothing like they should do but it doesn't matter as it's about getting out and meeting people and trying new things.
Last night I went to a play at a local church and I must admit it wasn't easy. In a room full of people I felt so lonely so that kind of tells me that that is not for me. I saw some people raft I used to go to church with and they ignored me which was not nice but I'm going to move on from that.
I've booked tickets to go to Newark festival to see Boyzone in June and have a holiday booked for July.
I saw a notice for back to netball classes in May so might give that a go.
I need to move on with my life and get out there. Things can only get better,

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Disassociating

Thought I'd got through the night relatively unscathed after having a really distressing nightmare and waking up disorientated in a wet bed. I managed to have a shower, change my bed and do my dressings quite quickly.
I have recollections of holding scissors but nothing more. After speaking to the night crisis team as I felt agitated and unsettled I got up to go to the toilet and was covered in blood. My pyjamas and bed were soaked and I discovered I have stabbed myself in my stomach with the scissors.
The shocking thing is that I don't remember doing it and I feel numb. The pain just isn't there. How can I stab myself and not know about it? I gate it when I disassociate and it is so scary.
One day I am going to really hurt myself and I just feel that no one is listening. I have been asking for a medication review for months and can only get an appointment for 2 weeks time but I have been waiting ages for it.
What have I got to do to myself before someone finally listens? One of these days I will cut too deep or do something really stupid. I'm afraid of what I am capable of and how little control I have over it.
I normally come round after disassociating and find myself in places I can't remember going to or with cuts I don't remember doing but I think tonight I just curled up in bed and that time between disassociating and being aware of my actions wasn't clear. Did I fall asleep?
Now I've got the walk of shame again to go to my GP to get this cut looked at. I just feel so stupid and wish I could stop it and have more control.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Hope

Had a weird day and a night with no sleep at all. My head is just spinning and I can't switch off but for some reason am beginning to feel that there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel and some hope.
This morning started so badly. I had a meeting and had to park in town. I tried to pay for parking at a machine but it wasn't working so I left a note on my car to explain. When I came out after the meeting I had a bloody parking ticket and was livid. A man walked past me as I took the ticket from my window screen and we had a brief conversation about what had happened. He was dressed smartly in a suit and for the first time in a long time I felt normal and comfortable talking to a stranger. We laughed at my bad luck and he went on his way but the simple exchange stayed with me throughout the day. He spoke to me normally without judgement and prejudice and I didn't feel threatened or challenged but uplifted by our friendly banter. I will probably never see him again and can't even remember what he looked like but in some way he gave me confidence that I can be normal. Sounds weird I know!
Have had a lot of time to think lately. 2 spells in hospital and hours of waiting around and I've come to the conclusion that I need to do two things pretty quickly. I need to take better care of myself and look after my well being. That includes eating more, drinking more and exercising when I am well enough. I need to try and get more rest and to stop feeling guilty when I need to take time out to get better. Secondly, I need to start reconnecting with people again and to trust that I have the ability to do that. I found out about a knitting group that meets monthly and also an art school that does day classes, so I am going to try and go to both. By doing things I enjoy I might be able to meet like minded people and to start building a few more friendships. I tried to find a book club where I have moved to and can't find one so I might put an ad in the local library to see if any other people are interested in setting a local one up.
The more I hide and stay away from people, the more lonely I am going to feel. My children are older now and I need to think of me more. I need to trust again and to let others be there for me sometimes. This is a big shift in my thinking and in some ways is more positive than I've been for ages. Maybe you do have to reach rock bottom before you can find a way back up again?

Monday, 30 March 2015

Bum surgery

It's 3.15am and I can't get to sleep. I am in so much pain and I have to be up in 3 hours time to go to the hospital to have an abscess drained on my bum. I keep smiling and thinking 'open bum surgery' lol
I must admit I am so fed up with getting abscesses now and I just want to heal and get on with my life.
I'm scared about surgery tomorrow as the last time I went to theatre I lost a whole day and was just out of it!
It takes ages to get over an anestheatic - and then I will still have to pack my bum daily. I thought I was doing really well but I suppose it is an easy area to get reinfected.
On the plus side I bought a overly new shiny red car today - a Renault Clio and it is so nice to drive. It's a shame I'm going to be out of action for a few days.
Anyway - back to trying to sleep..............

Sunday, 29 March 2015

Be careful what you say

It's amazing how a few words can cause so much pain. I sometimes think people don't think before they speak or even think of the consequences - how their words are going to make you feel.
An old acquaintance of mine rang me out of the blue to say that she had seen my consultant. She had great delight in saying that they had mentioned me and he had called me 'crazy julie'
I asked her in what context but she wouldn't say any more except he obviously thinks I'm mad.
He does probably have a point but it's still not nice to hear
I have his mobile number and asked him why he had called me that. He replied that it was a term of endearment and that he doesn't discuss patients with other patients.
Now I just feel hurt and confused. I know my mental health can be all over the place but I do manage to hold down a good job and hold my family together. Do people really think I'm crazy?
What does crazy mean anyway? At least he didn't say mad!
My thoughts are all over the place and playing tricks with me - lots of suicidal thoughts, I'm not good enough, it would be better if I wasn't around etc....
Just got to keep my head up and keep going

Sunday, 15 March 2015

Sunday night already

The weekend goes so quickly and I always hope I can sleep, relax and catch up from the week. In reality it never happens and a 5 day weekend with 2 days at work would be much better.
I just don't get why I'm so tired after 2 nights with a bit more sleep
My abscesses look like they might be infected again which is a pain as I don't want to take more antibiotics.
Am going away for a week on Tuesday to Portugal and really need the break. It's stressful making sure that I have enough dressings and tablets etc - packing is not so straight forward
I signed up for a painting class when I get back - something I've wanted to do for a while. It will be good to try a new skill and be creative
Next I need to go out and find some new friends but one step at a time. I might try yoga too
Got to beat this crap - I deserve better

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Want to curl up and die

Struggling this week. Wish I could just curl up and die. I'm so low and tired, fed up of not sleeping and then being exhausted all day.
That bloody smile is painted on my face but underneath the smile I'm crumbling and it hurts.
I'm fed up of putting on that brave face, of holding my family together and being the strong one. I want someone to just be there for me. To give me a hug and make me a cuppa - just to hold me and tell me it will be ok.
My temperature is high again and one abscess looks infected - fed up of the bloody stupid things. Just wish they would heal.
I rang my mental health team today as I needed to try and calm myself. The receptionist asked me why I needed to talk to my cpn - as if I'm going to tell her! I just put the phone down. Feel so stupid.
Why isn't help there when they keep telling me it is?
Should I go back on medication or should I just give in? Scary question

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Bad nights

Saw my new cpn today and we talked about how much I am struggling.
I've been taking lorazepam to calm down when I have woken up at night and wondered whether to take it before I go to sleep to see if it makes a difference and stops the nightmares or helps me to sleep longer
Going to take 1mg before I go to sleep tonight and just hope it helps. I only have 7 tablets to last 2 weeks so they are a bit like gold dust!
If this doesn't work then I'm going to ask to see my psychiatrist - I need to do something

Saturday, 28 February 2015

Night time help

Had a few bad nights this week. Just been feeling really unsettled and my nightmares are bad. Think the wet beds have got me down as I have 2 abscesses that I need to repack after I've had a shower and sorted my bed out and they are really painful.
I have finally created a safe place in my new house, a wardrobe in my bedroom! I cleared it out and put a soft throw, cushions and a night light in it. Am going to add some sandalwood essential oil to make it smell nice in there. It has helped having an enclosed space to snuggle in and has reminded me of a space I used to hide in when I was little.
I rang the crisis team one night this week. I couldn't breathe and my senses were in overdrive. Jenna stayed on the phone with me for over half an hour and really calmed me down. She was brilliant and I felt so supported. I cried and was really upset. I hate it when I can't cope.
Have 3 hospital appointments this week so maybe I might get some answers as to why I keep getting these abscesses. I hope so.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

So much pain still

I have 2 abscesses at the moment that have to be packed daily and are so painful.
I feel sick all the time and can't eat - just don't know what to do with myself!
I get so run down and then I feel bad for letting everyone down and in reality I hate being poorly and needing help from others.
I need to remember how crap it is to be in this place and how much better I feel when I am fit and healthy. I'm fed up of feeling poorly.
What can I do to make a change from this cycle? I need a new life plan that involves me moving forward. This is something I need to work on and take seriously. I can't carry on like this.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Surgery

Finally had my abscess sorted. Ended up collapsing and going to hospital on Saturday night and had surgery on Sunday morning.
Don't remember any of Sunday at all - it takes me ages to come out of an anaesthetic
Came home on Monday and am in so much pain. It has been a nightmare trying to get my dressings changed and I just feel that I have to fight for everything.
Managed to get the dressings changed finally and it hurt like hell. Got to have them changed again tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

So much pain

Grrr still in a lot of pain. I wish I could get this abscess sorted. It is waking me up in the night and I'm feeling sooooo tired.
2 people came to see me yesterday which was really nice but I was so tired and hope I wasn't bad company.
I'm trying to open up and let more people in. I'm trying to reach out a bit more and not keep everything locked in but it is not easy. I find it so hard to trust anyone but know that I've got to.
Life can't stay like this and I've got to turn things round.
One step at a time is all I can do at the moment.

Friday, 13 February 2015

My life just gets worse

Having a bad week :-(
Had a really high temp and felt so ill on Monday and ended up in hospital all on my own as usual. When I was moved to a ward the male nurse had to check my obs every hour. He pulled the curtain around my bed and became very over familiar, rubbing my leg and calling me beautiful. It made my skin crawl. He then got my mobile no from my records and started sending me messages saying he wanted to be there for me and meet me when I got out of hospital. I felt so trapped and dirty as I lay in that bed and didn't handle it very well. I should have asked for another nurse and caused a fuss but I just felt so ill
I'm back home now and I did report the nurse. I was given the usual 'we have reported it' feedback but that is not enough. How many other women has he hit on? It makes me angry that people abuse the trust you should have in them
Last night I was in lots of pain and felt really ill. I contacted my surgeon today who just fobbed me off and told me to see my GP or to go back to hospital
I only wanted some advice and I have paid a lot of money for a private operation. I was told I had 2 years after care which is crap
Am moaning so much today but I feel so low and am in pain - life gets worse